Respite

imageThere’s a constant stream of me talking to myself in my head
I’m always thinking of something
Something I have to do
Say
See
Hear
Always going, always thinking what to do next
Tomorrow
Next week
This month
This year

If it’s silent
I feel like
I’m not doing enough
Not spreading myself wide enough
Not doing everything I can
Missing something
Looking past an important detail that needs to be processed
Twiddling my thumbs until I can think of a new worry to occupy my thoughts
New project

Gotta keep going
Gotta keep thinking
Don’t stop
Don’t slow down
Than you’d just be wasting your time
Slowly wasting away stagnant
In a ditch I dug myself a long time ago

But at least it’s a comfortable ditch

Seeing nothing new
Thinking nothing new
Doing the same thing
Over
Over, Over
overoveroveroverover

I know
I know what I’m doing
I know I’m just waiting for my life to begin
But it already has
But it feels like it hasn’t
Not really
At least not yet
Not fully
I don’t know

Weird limbo between a rung and a soft bed
Somewhere I could step up and a upholstered coffin

Still here
Wishing I was gone
But not moving
Not stepping
Staying

Hating this

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